The things I feel guilty about

"Confess your sins one to another."   --James 5:16

I'm writing this on the supposition that I am not alone. Do other mothers / women / human beings have feelings of guilt from time to time with which they struggle?

I felt guilty yesterday morning for getting impatient with Alex before school. He would not move no matter what I said, and my frustration was starting to show. It probably isn't even his fault. I'm pretty sure he can hear almost nothing. (Praying that improves after today's surgery.)

I feel a little bit guilty when I come home on Thursday night wanting to do absolutely nothing. Thursdays are hard for me. I am tired because of the end of the week, but knowing I still have another day to go makes me feel even more tired. I've been that way for my whole adult life.

I've been thinking lately that I'm ready to start getting in shape again. The birth of twins at 37 and another baby at 40 really did some damage to my body, especially my core. I know I need to work on that. But then, I feel guilty for spending an extra hour away from home when I'm already gone so much each day and overall. And this is my conundrum: then I feel guilty for not being a better example for the kids, and for not taking the best care of myself so that I can live a long and prosperous life.

I feel guilty sometimes when I do other things to take care of myself, too. I don't really spend money on myself to buy essential things like good shoes or a nice coat. Many of you saw that I started as a personal consultant for Rodan and Fields (http://pattyalexander.myrandf.com), but at first I felt guilty for spending money on myself for that skin care. It seemed like it was too much, even though the products last for several months with each purchase. Now I'm probably going to feel guilty because I don't want my friends to think I'm pushing them, even though I know what good it has done me, and I just want to share that good. To my faithful friends, especially the handful of you who read this regularly or follow me on Facebook regularly, please know that our friendship won't be affected by me becoming a consultant. I love you because I love you. The driving force for me doing this is because I personally feel so blessed by how good it has been to my skin. The other driving force, perhaps, is that I'm a little bit crazy because the Lord knows I have a busy life. But honestly, I've been praying about it for 5 or 6 months. I like the idea of a new challenge in working out the paperwork behind the business and in understanding the way it works. It's going to be interesting to me, I'm sure.

See, now I'm feeling guilty about writing too much about my new business!

Anyhow, the verse I wrote above is probably misleading. I don't think that buying myself this skin care or a nice coat or good shoes is a sin (for me). I actually think that feeling guilty over these things is the true sin. Here's why:

1) “Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, so that there may come times of refreshing from the presence of the Lord, -- Acts 3:19

I think that these good things are actually a blessing from God. I have repented (and continually repent) and rely on the blood of the Lamb, and therefore I am now in a time of refreshing. I know the time of refreshing may not last because the fallen state of the world impacts our lives, but for now, things are good. And I also know that I'm heaven bound so true refreshing will surely happen. That's always something to look forward to.

2) The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.  -- John 10:10 

What is this abundant life that Jesus is talking about? I know it's not centered on things. My life is full with my family and the other blessings that God puts in it. But at the same time, He doesn't want me to be riddled with stress that I'm not a good mother because I'm going to the gym to work out instead of being at home to make sure the kids get a bowl of cereal before I leave. (I haven't started that yet, BTW.)

3) For our proud confidence is this: the testimony of our conscience, that in holiness and godly sincerity, not in fleshly wisdom but in the grace of God, we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially toward you. -- 2 Corinthians 1:12 

Here I think the key is about conducting ourselves in the world with holiness and godly sincerity. I am not proud that I have achieved this yet, as Paul is in this verse, but I am hopeful that I will make the mark at some point. And instead of having a guilty conscience over things which I should not, I will have proud confidence in its place.

As it stands now, I am looking for a healthy balance. I have no idea why I feel this guilt sometimes. I think it might be societal. But I know that if I rest in Christ's abundant love and in the abundant life that He gives me, He will guide me and continue to draw me closer to him. And that is what's important, because someday on this earth, I will say My Last Amen.

Speaking of abundant life, check out this matar paneer that David prepared yesterday from start to finish. It was delicious!

Griffy the cat!