I don't want to look back

Mom left. She'd been here for three weeks, but I felt like I hardly saw her.

She was both glad and sad to be leaving, as one would expect after being with the grandkids for three weeks, but also being away from home for three weeks. I am all sad that she's gone. It will probably be over a year until I see her again. That's depressing. Really, very depressing.

What's NOT depressing is the fact that I haven't missed out on seeing Mom and knowing Mom since the year 2000, when I got out of the Navy. For the last 18 years, she has supported me, prayed for me, helped me, and spent quality time with me (and my family, for ten years), and just overall been quite an incredible blessing to me.  I thank God for her always.

During this time while my kids are little and we're having great adventures, I keep wondering what I'll think about when I'm 85 or 90. What years will I look back on as the best years of my life? Sometimes people ask me if I would repeat high school or the Navy if I could. No. No. No! No, I don't want to go back. I don't even want to look back. Or, more accurately, I don't want to live in the past.

Sure, I have many good memories. For example, the year I got out of the Navy, Mom flew out to San Francisco and we took the long way across the country to get home. What a great trip that was! I've backpacked across the Grand Canyon (three times in two trips) seen much but not all of the U.S., traveled with my husband, met wonderful people, and made a beautiful family (thanks to God). But none of that wonderful good stuff makes me long to be back where I once was. I'm usually content with my life but at the same time, looking forward to all that my future holds. Watching the kids grow, feeling a closeness with my husband that just isn't felt with the busyness of raising little kids, growing old with him and having grandkids. I know there will be sorrow in my life, some of which I can't even think about without getting tears in my eyes. My mom shocked me on this trip by saying that she didn't want to live to be 100. I mean, come on! What will I do without her when I'm 75?!

I made my first day trip to Mainz with Mom while she was here. We visited an awesome museum in the basement of a mall.  A website about it says this:

"The visitor can expect to travel back in time to the world of cultic Rome in a sensational staging. During a walk through the preserved remains of the sanctuary, in addition to its walls, exhibits such as oil lamps, offerings, terracotta, magic clay dolls, altars, coins, white tablets, miniature axes, bronze statuette or grave goods can be discovered." (Courtesy of Google Translate.)

It was very cool.  A volunteer tour guide told us that it is one of the few places in the world where both the Egyptian goddess Isis and the Eastern goddess Mater Magna were worshipped in the same temple.  I personally found this to be more interesting than the Gutenberg Museum. (Can't help it. It was a museum of books.  Even though it had some of the first printed bibles, I wasn't in love with it like I was with the basement of this shopping center.) Mainz has a Roman history dating from the first century after Christ to about the year 500. Fascinating.

We also visited two cathedrals. The pictures below are from St. Martin's. The other one we visited was recommended to us by the wonderful Isis museum volunteer. It had blue windows. Every bit as  interesting as the St. Martin's windows. I was tired and didn't take any pictures. You see, it was a situation where I would normally ask to take photos, and I didn't want the challenge at that moment of the language barrier. I suspect (hope and pray) that I will make it back there soon!

Please tell me. What have been the best years of your life?

Alex paused the tv at this point, and thought it was hilarious

Interesting layout of a burial site, complete with jewelry and pottery

bronze statue that was discovered at the temple

Stained glass at St. Martin's Cathedral. never saw anything like it. It is not cracked. Look closely.

Creepy and cool

These kids were running! (Forrest Gump voice)

Tiberias and Nazareth

I'm on the plane going home. There is nothing bittersweet about it for me. I have been away for three weeks. I have seen much and worked hard, or at least a lot (my work isn't very difficult, I have to admit). I have about 50 minutes until I land, and I am ready to see my family. Including my mom!

Thursday and Friday were half days for me. On Thursday my awesome friend Jen (same one as before) drove us to Tiberias and Nazareth. We didn't have much time, but we got to see the Sea of Galilee, and that was pretty awesome in and of itself. It is the lowest freshwater lake in the world, and the second lowest lake overall. So I got to see the two lowest lakes in the world on this trip. Isn't that awesome?! Thank you, Jen, what a great idea!

Unfortunately, Tiberias is much less than it could be. Litter-strewn, not preserved well, and an ugly attempt at capitalism, in my opinion. We walked along the Old City, and that was pretty neat. We saw a gate that had been established by Crusaders. I thought that was interesting, thinking about how long it must have taken them to get there and the reasons they were going. After walking around a short time, we went to Nazareth.

Mind you, the traffic to Tiberias had been pretty miserable. But driving in Tiberias, and from there to Nazareth...Well. Let's just say that if I had been driving, I'm pretty sure we would have been taking the train home and having one of the seasoned exercise people rescuing my car later. No. Thank. You.  Jen was fabulous, though.

One of my favorite quotes in the Bible is in the book of John from a man named Nathanael just before he is introduced to Jesus. He says when he hears where Jesus is from, "Nazareth?! Can anything good come from there?"* I mentioned that to Jen, and we speculated about what would have been so bad about Nazareth at that time.

Let me tell you this: When we got there, we didn't even get out of the car. I didn't take a single picture in Nazareth. I admit that we didn't get there until about five, and we were tired, and the streets were very narrow and very hilly, so maybe that was why. We literally (and by we, I mean Jen) drove around narrow hilly streets for an hour before deciding to give up and head home. I saw that there is an old Catholic church there, but considering its history, shouldn't there have been more? Maybe my friend Wendy can tell me what we missed and if I need to go back. (I guess I should have consulted you in the first place!)

{{Oh man. I just realized I screwed up the time difference and I still have an hour and a half! I'm too ready to be home already!}}

Traffic was pretty bad on the way back. We found a nice Italian restaurant. Surprise! It didn't have English menus! So I ordered what the lady beside us was eating (pesto noodles--delicious!) without trying the bite of hers that she offered me beforehand. ;-) We didn't get home until 10:00, and I had to wake up at 4:50 to get ready and be at work at 7:00. So I went right to sleep. I had big plans for my next half-day. I'll tell you about those tomorrow because my battery is dying and I need to save some to call my taxi.

But I'll give you a hint: It is something every person should think on, but no person wants to.

* When Jesus met Nathanael, he said of him, "Here is a true Israelite, in whom there is nothing false." That's quite a compliment, I think! But notice how blunt Nathanael was about Jesus' hometown? Sometimes I think that kind of bluntness is a good thing. (Okay, I pretty much think that all the time.)

Tiberius looking away from the Sea of Galilee

Sea of Galilee

Yad Vashem

“Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to the wicked, ‘You wicked person, you will surely die,’ and you do not speak out to dissuade them from their ways, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood. But if you do warn the wicked person to turn from their ways and they do not do so, they will die for their sin, though you yourself will be saved. --Ezekiel 33:7‭-‬9 NIV

Yad Vashem is the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Jerusalem.

On Friday, I ended up having half a day, and I got permission from the exercise lead to take the train by myself to the museum. This was a big deal for me. I didn't think he would say yes, but he said that since the museum isn't in the old city, I could do it alone. Typically, they were telling us not to travel alone, and not to travel to Jerusalem on Fridays. When I told my new friend Al, a LTC, that Mike told me I could do that, he told me that he wanted to see Yad Vashem, too, and if I was interested in his company, he could drive us. Wonderful! Not only have I enjoyed Al's company for the better part of the last three weeks, but it also removed a heavy logistical burden for me and saved about an hour and a half since I wouldn't have to leave the site, go back to Tel Aviv, and find the train station from there. So we left after my last meeting, picking up an army MAJ before heading out.

When we got there, hungry, we grabbed a snack downstairs. The bagel was bigger than my hand! (And delicious!) But if anyone gets to go there, I would caution against using that cafe as a source for lunch. They were out of almost everything by 1215 when we got there.  When we went up to get headphones, they told us we have just over an hour because they were closing at 1400.

It was meant to be. If I had taken the train, I wouldn't have seen anything because I probably would have gotten there as it was closing. I wasn't allowed to go into the Old City (expressly forbidden), so I would have gone right back to the train station and headed back to Tel Aviv. It sounds like a little over an hour at the museum would be insufficient, and it just barely was, but at the same time, it is such a hard museum to walk through. I walked away from about 3 exhibits to prevent myself from losing control. I skipped about 2 altogether because they came behind us and closed some exhibits to move us forward. They were scheduled to close early to prepare for Shabbat. I should have paid closer attention to that, but I'm glad I didn't, since we may have decided not to go at all if we had known they were closing that early.

I am not the type of person who knowingly watches movies with sad endings.  But this is different. This isn't something I could pass up if given the opportunity. This is something for all of us to know and remember. Forever.

The verses in Ezekiel that I quoted above relate to something I read when I first got into the museum. It was a shocking perspective for me, so I wrote it down (no pictures allowed) so I could exactly quote it. "In its theological struggle against Judaism and the Jews, Christianity perpetuated and spread this negative image over the centuries." In short, it accuses Christians of the bad reputation that Jews had because Christians blamed Jews for the killing of our God, Jesus. Christians blamed Jews for deicide.

Now, the verses in Ezekiel were from God to Ezekiel, but I believe that we should heed them also. I think that we, not only as Christians but as human beings, need to stop evil from going on when we can. Obviously. At the very least, we need to speak out against it. This needs to start at a very early age, and it applies to a wide variety of evil. That was what I thought about as I started my tour through the museum. I thought about how many people were complicit with the horrible events that occurred. I saw still photographs of men lined up with their backs to SS with rifles, just standing there waiting to be shot. How does a human being stand there and wait for that? But I thought about the person behind the camera. That person. If the verse in Ezekiel applies to that person, I think (and I recognize that I am not the Judge, but I think) that the photographer would have blood on his hands.

That's what I was thinking about.

The museum is set up so that you go from one exhibit to another. Everyone goes in the same direction. Everyone follows the same path. On the way home, we discussed the architecture of the building. It was a sort of triangle, with a very narrow ceiling that was most, if not all, a window or skylight. The light from above was enough to see the exhibits yet keep the mood rather dark, as it should have been. The flow made everyone take the same steps, essentially, not knowing what the next step would bring. To me, it felt abysmal.

Of course, it was a very hard museum to go through. I wondered if the design flowed like that intentionally. Was it intended to close us in, the walls getting narrower as they got taller, feeling almost like the building is closing in on you? That's how it felt to me. I was surprised the building felt that way. I couldn't figure it out. From one exhibit to another, one turn after another, one immeasurably sad image after another.

A little under an hour and a half of that. It was about as much as I could handle. I reached the last exhibit. It was a room full of books. It was a room full of books of names. Of victims. Of those murdered. So many books. I stood in the circular room for a few moments, fighting back tears.

And then I simply turned my back on it and walked out.

It was too easy. It's not that I'm not carrying a piece of it with me, but my spirit was so heavy, and then suddenly, I walked out into beautiful, bright sunshine, warm weather, and an amazing view of Jerusalem.

I think that the view represents hope. And with that, I will leave you with this:

Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalem, for the Lord has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem.  The Lord will lay bare his holy arm in the sight of all the nations, and all the ends of the earth will see the salvation of our God.--Isaiah 52:9‭-‬10 NIV

My favorite places

It wasn't until Friday that I learned that David would not, in fact, be getting his passport and coming to Israel. There was a whole lot of hope from the time we first visited the passport office until then, so the news was very sad for me. I told David I wasn't going to call him Friday night because I would just end up crying on the phone, and I didn't need that at all. I was, and am, very sad about this missed opportunity. Not to mention that it was like lighting a pile of money on fire. Poof! Up in smoke.

Friday night after I found out, I made plans for my Saturday off (with some difficulty, since it was so late), and went to bed early. I was quite under-rested last week.

Saturday my awesome friend Jen drove us to the Ein Gedi Nature Preserve. She asked me if we could go there, but I was totally along for the ride and up for anything she wanted to do. Most of the USAREUR people were "too tired" and just wanted to stay in Tel Aviv. I sort of had to twist her arm to NOT go into work on Saturday like she had the week before, but at least I was successful. It was so pretty! I huffed and puffed up a trail with switchbacks. And BOY, do I miss hiking! And BOY, do I ever love the desert. Makes me want to go to the Grand Canyon again. It was a lovely little side trip.

I enjoyed the Dead Sea very much again. We went to a different beach than we had the week before. Instead of crystals, the salt was like sand. It was very neat. We swam out to a saltberg a short distance. By swam, I mean that we did upright bicycles, because you really can't swim like normal since your feet pop out. Do you know how a fishing bobber pops up after you cast the line? That's kind of what your feet do as you're lying back to float. So fun!

I read that you're only supposed to be in the Dead Sea for about 15 minutes. I think it has something to do with your ion balance in your body. So it makes sense that Jen and I were both getting muscle cramps on our little swim. Not bad, just little ones. But I could see how it could cause problems if you stayed in for too long. So interesting!

After we went swimming, we went around to take some pictures. SCORE! It was like I hired a model! While I was taking pictures, this man walked up right next to me, set up his tripod, and put his shadow right in my frame. Frustrating! I was just going to wait until he left, but then he started talking to me. "Do you like what you see?" he asked. "I like it very much," I replied. He said, "For me, it makes me very sad. 30 years ago, the water was all the way up to here." And he pointed to a spot about 15 feet away. I told him I had heard that the Dead Sea was receding, but I hadn't realized how fast it was occurring. Sadly, the Dead Sea is dying. The Israelis and the Jordanians are working on reversing it, but modernization is taking its toll. I really hope they figure it out. The Everglades have a similar problem, but the southern States have been working through it since the early 1990s. For these areas that are unique ecologically, I hope we all figure it out.

A listing of my favorite places shows a definite pattern:

1) The Grand Canyon

2) The Everglades

3) The Hoh Rain Forest

4) The Dead Sea (newly added. Before this trip, I didn't have a fourth.)

I enjoy places of ecological wonder.

I know why.

First of all, beautiful places like those are evidence for a Creator. Secondly, one of my favorite verses in the Bible is, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) At places like this, I tend to slow down and appreciate God. I tend to take a moment to be grateful that God has created something so amazing and that He has allowed me to see it. 

It's important sometimes to slow down and appreciate good things in our lives. To be still and thank God for something, anything. Perhaps you can take a moment right now to be thankful for something. Perhaps there is enough good in your life that you sometimes don't know where to start.

But perhaps not. Perhaps you feel like there is nothing in your life for which you can be thankful right now. I hope that's not the case, but if so, I want you to know that God is bigger than the nothing. He will get you through it. He will show His faithfulness and goodness to you, if only you will ask Him and let Him have charge of your life.

Ein Gedi nature preserve

Ein Gedi nature preserve

Ein Gedi nature preserve

My chance model at the Dead Sea (she is walking on what my friend Emily called a "saltberg")

Dead Sea with some color variation

View of Dead Sea from Ein Gedi nature preserve

Masada and the Dead Sea!

I went to Masada and the Dead Sea today.

That sentence is so insignificant to write, but doing those two things today was very significant for me.

I find myself again in that place where I feel like I am receiving special blessings from God.  What do you think about that? Are you so happy for me? Are you jealous of my adventure? Are you envious that I can just go out there and do this without any qualms?

Well I certainly hope not, and I suspect that if you were, you wouldn't be reading this, so that's good. But sometimes I wonder what is the right amount to talk about this. It's not like I had to spend my money to get here. I think my whole day yesterday cost me about 100 NIS (New Israeli Shekels), and that includes the best hot roast beef sandwich I've ever had in my life. The beef was even better than I make it at home. Happy surprise.

So, if you're still reading in spite of myself (or perhaps yourself), I'll confess that I have qualms about all of this. I've said before that David and I won't know if moving to Germany was a good or bad decision until we get home. Not really. But even while I am away from home for these three weeks, I find it a little bit stressful. What if tragedy strikes?

God is no less in charge if tragedy strikes in Pennsylvania, in Wiesbaden, or in Jerusalem. But for some reason, I feel like if something were to happen to me, David, or the both of us while we were on this adventure, people in my life would blame me. So far, everything has gone exactly as I'd hoped for (except the big move, you know, but that's insubstantial to the big picture). Even Alex's surgery being here was, I think, better than doing it in the States. But only time will tell.

My mom is coming tomorrow to help David with the kids. He's certainly had a rough week and a half. Lilly was running a fever again and was not herself for a few days. A package we received got flagged by customs and David had a hard time getting it settled because the customs officer injured himself and wasn't in his office during his posted hours. One of David's packages got lost by the post office on post, and he has to file a claim with legal. The people who were supposed to come by to fix the broken furniture didn't show up, then rescheduled for the next week. And then, just the everyday life of being the sole caregiver for four little kids. Whew! I'm proud of him. And although I don't really want to be away for three weeks, I'm going to make the best of it.

I had such a wonderful day at Masada and the Dead Sea. It was incredible. I got to see Herod's palace. King Herod! From the Bible! The bad guy, you know?!?! That was wonderful. I was enjoying myself so much, that even after traipsing around for three hours, I didn't want to leave! And as if just being there wasn't enough, on our way down from Masada, while walking to the car, we saw a family of ibexes, including some babies.

It was so incredible that, if given the opportunity to go again this week-end, I will! And I might be doing it. Going a second time will help me enjoy it even more. Going once is a little overwhelming because there's so much to see. I didn't really have time to pay attention to details. I'm hoping that if I go again, I will, whether to the Dead Sea, or Masada, or both. Time will tell.

No word on Dave's passport. We still have hope based on what the passport officer says. Time will tell on that one, too.

Are you still praying for us?!

On the way to Masada

King Herod's Palace

King Herod's Palace

At Masada outside of the palace

An ibex close up

Mandatory floating photo

Just how dead is the Dead Sea?

Camels!

That devil

This has been quite a rough week.

I'm on the airplane heading to Tel Aviv now. For the past couple of weeks, I have to say that I really feel like my husband has been working against me. Because of that, and because of other things that have been going on, I've been feeling like the devil has (or his minions have) been working against me.

My complaints are not major. I know that. I really do, and I feel like, in spite of how hard things have been leading up to this point, God has put His hedge around me. My family is all healthy, for one thing. Alex's surgery went so well, and I am still so thankful for that.

But my goodness, I am tired.

I mentioned earlier that I had something to support this week that I found interesting, and it's true and I did it. That being said, I had to be in to work early and leave late. I was supporting for three days, but I had forgotten that the first day of the week was Tuesday, not Monday, and so the fact that the conference started on the second day of the week meant that I could not take off on Friday so that Dave and I could prepare for my departure. Yikes.

Then last week, around Tuesday, David said, do I need a passport to go to Israel? Because you know mine's expired.

As a matter of fact, I did know that. But I had forgotten. And if you've been following my blog at all, you already know how often my memory has failed me and how much help I really need with getting things taken care of. A lot. Now what?

I had been tracking prices on plane tickets and it was time to buy or bow out. I bought his ticket, taking a risk that even an expedited passport might not make it in time. With the first appointment we could get at the passport office, we would only have two weeks for it to arrive. But I want David to come to Israel so badly. Because I love him. Because he deserves it a lot. Because Israel is so amazing. Because I miss him. Because, really, who is David again? Seems like I don't get to spend time with him these days.

Yesterday was his appointment at the passport office. Mind you, when I made the appointment, I thought I would be able to take a nice day and have lunch with the kids and take them to the playground while David got his paperwork taken care of. Because I thought the conference was over on Thursday. But it wasn't, and I couldn't get out of work and didn't even want to ask.

So I rode the bus in to work yesterday for the first time. It wasn't bad, but my first bus was late and I missed the connection. It didn't make me late because I reserved that much leeway, but I wasn't early like I wanted to be. On the way out of the conference, which finished up around lunchtime, I dropped my favorite coffee mug that was a gift from a friend that was a replacement of the coffee mug that one of the kids dropped. Shattered it. (Sorry, Nikki! You know what to bring me when you visit, right?) Then I read a text from Dave, and I inferred from it that David did not even expedite the passport. I call him to verify and tell him that he's not going to get to go to Israel. I am, after all, in a hurry to get back to my office, write my report, and head home so I can pack since I had to leave at 0630 this morning.

But I go to the passport office because I REALLY want him to come to Israel. And I spend about an hour there to find out that, no, David didn't mention that he was leaving in two weeks (as I already knew), no, we don't expedite passports from this office, but yes, there is a chance that you can get a passport in time from the consulate. The generous man at the passport office will ask the consulate on Tuesday if they can issue an emergency passport. But it will only be good for a year, and it's possible as much as not possible.

Neither David nor I are willing to accept responsibility for this fiasco. He says I knew his passport was expiring because he told me last summer (which he did). I say I shouldn't have to remember everything for everybody (which I do have to but fail), least of all for a 45-year-old man. Then he says that he can't remember because everything is too hard because of all the kids and we don't have a second car and...

You know. The difficulties of being over here alone without our support network are endless. But the benefits of being over here at all are magnificent, and I expect going to be even better this year. So that is where we are.

I am resolved to the fact that David and I will not be reconciling this fiasco. Because of that, I am resolved to the fact that something similar is going to happen in the not-too-distant future. I am not soliciting opinions for who's right and who's wrong. I am really only writing about it to vent, and to push you all, you who are reading this, to keep praying for us because we need it.

We really do! That devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy! He's pretty good at his job, too. Now, we're supposed to find out if we'll get a passport or not by Tuesday afternoon at the latest. I would LOVE to be able to update this post with the great news that David got his passport. But I don't think it's likely, and I'm trying not to be too sad about it.

But I'm just so darn tired. And when I get tired, I don't handle stuff as well as I normally do. So I'm a little beaten down by this sad likelihood. And people (especially David) seem to think that these three weeks are going to be a "nice break" for me, but that's just not so. I'll make the best of it, for sure. I'll enjoy the sunshine and maybe get a chance to do some sightseeing. But I'll be working a lot and I'll be away from my family. Right?

So yes, I need your prayers. And David needs your prayers while I'm away, especially the first week and a half until Mom comes to help. We'll get through it of course. And we have so much to look forward to!! But in the meantime, we really need those prayers!!!